I'm tired. Sometimes I think I suffer from stress cardiomyopathy, a fancy name for broken heart syndrome. Not particularly broken hearted, but I'm just so achey and tired, and there's a pain at my chest. I don't want to do work. All I want to do is sleep.

Dah, I was such a drama queen a few days ago. But I'm not regretful that I felt like so :-\ It really sucks. And I think that I don't like repressing myself that much. Because I'd rather have some sad times than be continuously bitter, I think.

I don't think they read this, but I'd really like to thank Ampy and Jia. They tried to help me, and I really appreciate it. I'm going through a bit of a rough patch.

So, English has really got my mind off of my neurosis for a while. I keep forgetting that I'm meeting so many neat people here, and I'm slowly meeting new people. The line between middle school is fading. I don't even talk to people from middle school anymore, except Ampy.

Sometimes people aren't very nice, and can just be plain jerks, but I guess I have to depend on my small support system for now.

God, this week just keeps getting even more fucked up. I swore, boohoo. I swear, I make sexual statements, and I'm not happy. I AM A HERETIC.

Bitch Rant:

I was so tired this morning. I walked to class with a huge headache since I didn't really get any sleep last night. I was really pissed in biology because when I asked people to help me, they looked at me as if I was dumb. Maybe I'm just off this week okay? I really get it. And when people are nonresponsive, I feel even worse because it makes me feel like I'm not worth their time. I understand this, I really do, but give me a break; I didn't have breakfast or sleep. Sometimes, I think I picked the wrong choice by taking this class. My grades are a mess, my parents are angry, and I just feel like I'm getting nowhere. So every night I go through the same routine of crying for a while, then forcing up a bit of sheer willpower and telling myself, oh it's ok. This week is going nowhere good.

I hate hate hate biology. I'm pretty sure my liver and kidneys are shutting down because of no sleep and bad eating habits. I'm so tired. I don't think I can do this. I feel so fucking dumb in this class, it's not even funny. The competitive smart people just want to bring you down. They don't want to help you, and there is not a shred of compassion in this class. I hate it. I hate it so much. I'm a fucking retard.
My grade is just lowering. There's no way it can turn around into an A. I don't understand anything at all...Five weeks. Four weeks. It's just declining. I have no hope of becoming a doctor.

I was just so confident, you know? I just thought that I could do this. But I can't. I dread going into that class every day. Science is my worse. Why did I do it? I don't think I'll cut it as a doctor. Just not intelligently. I have the ability to talk to people, to counsel people, to tell bad news appropriately. But I just don't have the academics. And that's my checkpoint. I just can't do it. It pains me to say this so much. What should I do? I don't know what to do when I'm this down. I don't have close friends, really. I'd talk to my parents, but they already gave up on me, you know? My mom doesn't think I have the ability to get into college. My dad is angry at me. My mom doesn't like the way I eat, look, or act. It's difficult to accept that your own family has turned you down. My head fucking hurts right now.

I hate biology. I hate my habits. I hate myself for not trying my best. Sometimes even when you try as hard as you can, it's just not going to happen. I'm 6% away from an A. That's impossible. Unless I ace the tests spot on. What I hate even more is that I'm so damn lonely and cranky. Even when I talk to people, I don't feel as if I belong anywhere really. No one understands me or empathizes. Everyone deals with their own problems.

Now I'm just sitting here crying, and nobody knows. I hope nobody knows. I'm dang scared right now. My faith is being tested against my will, and my will is being tested against my faith.

And I think about it. I don't care about math or biology or history or French. I only remotely enjoy English, and I suck at that too.

I chose to post on livejournal for several reasons; people don't read this blog, no one really except Cindy, and she doesn't seem to comment or post anymore.

People tell me that everything changes once you get a boyfriend. People tell me that I should get a boyfriend because I'd be happier than I am now. Liars. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship any time soon. Not that anyone would even try to catch this fish. I'm not very attractive for one thing. I weigh around 130 pounds, around 30 more ponds than these stick thin girls at school. They think they're fat. I'm gigantic then. I'm also very standoffish. I get acne, lots of acne, and I break out even more easily when I'm stressed and not taking care of my body, not to mention my beauty. My feet are too big. My neck is too short, and my ankles are too chubby. I have tin on my teeth. My eyebrows don't get plucked. I have peach fuzz, and I have cuts on my face.

Personalitywise? I'm a load of crazy. I cry arbritarily. I'm messy and I try to be organized. I'm obsessive, I'm compulsive and I'm neurotic. I don't believe in being nice and considerate to other people. I don't believe in protecting feelings; I tell people the truth whether they like to hear it or not. I have very strong beliefs, and I often offend people. I'm not very smart, as we can already tell. I don't always smile or that shit. I'm tart. Very tart. I'm grumpy. I am bitchy with a relentless edge. I hate people who try to be cute and I hate people who try to blend in. I'm full of contradictions and instability. Goddammit. I swear. I don't think that everything is cute and peachy and can be fixed. I hate whiny people, even though I am whiny. I'm not very interesting; I have interesting things to say, but I do nothing more than go on to the computer and watch television every day.

Fuck, by today's standards? I'm a freaaaak. Guys spring for girls who are nothing short of perfect, I believe. They like attractive girls who are charming and funny and cute and nice and intelligent and committing.

I think the reason I close myself off isn't because I'm lazy or anything. I'm scared. I'm really scared of being rejected. I truly know that there are girls millions of times more attractive than myself. And I don't want this rant to turn into some lame Taylor Swift song. Fuck, I'll just end it here. Maybe one day I'll myself together, or find someone who can change me for the better. And not inherently a romantic love interest. Just someone I can talk to openly about how I feel. Let's face it. I don't even really belong with the groups I stick to. There's no one that I'd be comfortable enough to see me crying or ranting or bitching except Ampy, and she's miles away from me.

I miss having an angry and lonely front last year. At least I accepted the solitude. Being somewhere in the middle just sucks.

Short day tomorrow. I can't wait.

Oh God, novel plus school stress shall downfall in December. Phew. Okay, let's list out the shiz I have to dooooo!

• NOTHING FOR LOCICERO. GOD I LOVE THIS CLASS
• Genetics Journal Update
• 893429809328094924 pages of notes
• Math HW
• Read Clarence Darrow
  
• Study for Chapter 13. I WILL STUDY. I WILL NOT FAIL THIS TEST!11 Make flashcards and outline, and memorize notes! AND STUDY FROM THE BOOKS. FOR CHAPTER 14 TOO. I hope by the end of this week, my grade goes up 1%
• Biology Lab 3B--MUST GET HIGH GRADE MOFOS
• Study for Unit 3. Biaye's not teaching me, I'll teach myself. I'm going to make flashcards too. Off to Target tomorrow.
• Thinking Log
  
• Writing Club Plans
• NANOWRIMO FINISH TODAYYYYYYYYYYYY. First must plan out 20k worth of writing

Other Plans:

• Study crazy next week...biology and French.
• Volunteer for CFJ decoration??
• I need a frickin' phone

I don't think you realize how much this is bothering me.

I will wait until you are ready.

The sky looks pissed.
The wind talks back.
The bones are shifting in my skin and you my love are gone.

My room seems wrong.
The bed won't fit.
I can not seem to operate and you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels and promise not to promise anymore and if you come around again then i will take, then i will take the chain from off the door

I just feel like I'm falling and falling. But there's nobody there to catch me. I just really want somebody to tell me that it's not going to be okay, and that they'll help me. Not out of anything purely romantic or that lovey dovey shit, just solace me. I just want solace. I want somebody to listen.

Why is my life so stressful...?

I'm so behind on my nano word count...

And I have AP Bio Lab...

And I have a lot of history....

And I have a lot of heiroglyphs for french...

And I have math hw

And I have the burdening extracurriculars...

My lips are chapping. I'll turn off the computer and see how far I get.

Tumblr won't work for me today, so I guess I'll just update on LJ. I love you more anyway, dear, dear LJ.

Today I woke up at 5:30, laying on the hard floor, blankets over my head, and the computer and lights turned on. My parent's would've killed me if they knew I left the lights and computer on ALL night.

My first three classes weren't so horrible, in fact, biology made me feel awesome because Bao Chau and I KICKED MITOSIS ASS OH YEAH PSH.

I don't think I did too hot on my math test, and I got extremely bored and annoyed in French. Mr. Biaye rambles on and on and onnnn. We got to toilets the last fifteen minutes of class. I talked about my project, Harry Potter. I sounded like such a geek, hahah, " My project is Harry Potter and I'm working on gathering the materials. I'm going to summarize the plot of the book and describe the various places in the Wizarding World and determine the etymology of several spells. " 

Writing Club was kind of fun, except I never really have a concise theme. I think we might read poetry next week. I feel bad because I didn't let Jason read his poem. And I feel worse for not reading mine. But the Mad Libs and Round Robin were, er, sort of successful. Note to self: Give Phuong Sign-in Sheet!

Goals Next Week:
-Read Epic Poetry
-Pass Out Candy, hoping people won't die from it. Don't poison innocent people, Target.
-READ SCARY STORIES?
-READ POE'S STORIES?

We have 30 minutes, hahahahah.

Anyway, time to dooooo work.

Oh geez, I was browsing through the comments on my extra credit assignment in science, and my teacher asked if "pragmatic" was my own word. Yes, yes it is. Do teachers really doubt my vocabulary usage this much? Is it because everyone else talks like Stephenie Meyer in their papers?

I have nothing against Stephenie Meyer. Hey, now a bunch of little girls are reading, even if it is about misogyny and girls wanting guys to do everything for them. Of course, women shouldn't be self-sufficient and let alpha males patronize them.

Long live Harry Potter.

BITCH FEST OVER.

If I had only six months left to live, I would probably be less standoffish and become more outgoing. I'm quiet and lurky most of the time. Hah.

I don't really have a bucket list.

Wow, some people are douches over the Internet. Really, douches. I think I totally lost respect for a person. Wow, poorest taste ever.

It seems like all I've been doing is sleeeeeping. I'll sleep on the floor, on the bed, in the middle of the sentence, just sleep sleep sleep. I've been compensating for those missing hours. At 5 yesterday, my head shut down, and I slept until 11. Then my dad threw water in my face. I woke up, showered, and played around on the computer for a while. Then while talking to a friend, I fell asleeeeeep, but this time I dragged my laptop on my bed. According to this IM window, I stopped replying at around two. Ha. I woke up at 8:30, a little hungry since I really didn't eat dinner.

This is why I keep forgetting names, goddammit. 

I learned how to say I shave everyday in French. Je me rase tous les jours.

OOOO.

It seems like I've been using Tumblr a lot, but really, my heart belongs to LJ. Mostly because I have a lot of private thoughts that belong here, and nobody really seems to check LJ all that often.

But anyway, no time for private thoughts today. There are things to do. Like worry about Writing Club, YAC, Interact...I kind of regret not going to any of the events, gah. Totally trapped this October.

Now as for schoolwork...

*History HW: I-Search Paper & Ch. 6 Notes. I am NOT procrastinating anymore. THAT IS VERY BAD.
*BIO: Extra Credit
*BIO: LAB
*BIO: READ CHAPTER 12 & BEGIN STUDYING FOR TEST.
*Math: Review Sheet. I love math. Math is so simple to understand. *fails the quiz*
*French: Study
*English: Reread Antingoneeeeeeeeeeeee SCENE 2. SO MANY OH SNAP MOMENTS IN THIS SCENE. Haemon is engaged to Antigone and the sentry just turned her in, that dirty little rat

Math, history, English, then everything else. I should probably work on bio in the afternoon, after lunch. I can't function properly in the morning, so all the classes I love must go first. I'm a selfish whore. And I'm okay with it.

On a side note, Interact keeps not letting me go to its events. What the heck, son. I'LL GET A T-SHIRT NEXT WEEK.

just stop it. i don't want to play this game anymore. *ERADICATES*

Tired. Tired. Tired. Not much to say. I have lots of work due Friday, but I'm in dire need of a picker-upper right now.

Also, only a few more days without innuendo. I can keep it up, pshaw.

And look what I found on __________'s book:

"Damon: sexy, dangerous, and driven by an urge for revenge against Stefan, the brother who betrayed him. Determined to have Elena, he’d kill to possess her. "

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Haha, I just left an AP Biology chatroom. I'm pretty dispensable since everyone in there has an A already.

But you just grow so resilient to every demeaning put down, every disgusting act of patronization, and every shifting of shame under your skin. I have goals, and if I compare myself too much, well, I'll end up dispensing my goals. I'll try to work tenaciously and honestly for that A. And I'm pretty sure by the end of next week, my grade will take another plunge, but well, I guess that's how it'll go then.

Right now, I can't afford to get crushed every time the teacher spits at me or everytime people try to grate me against their gloating blades. The only thing to do is hit the books and post this damn entry all ready.

GUESS WHO JUST TOOK THE PRACTICE PSAT?

I DID.

And guess who just bonded with their mom out of the mutual disgust from guys with long hair? I DID.

I'm going to try to make this journal less preppy and blabby about school. More for fun stuff. FUN STUFF I TELL YOU.

:D Like Writing Club, Interact, and CFJ

AKFJDKFLJLDFJLKDFJLDFJLKFDJLDF

So I'm back. I look at this blog and I see all my dreams once again. Goodbye marythesue.

I honestly always thought that Teddy Geiger was some middle aged guy, like the singer in Maroon 5 or something. I wasyoutubing "These Walls" when I found the music video.

Nooooo, he's twenty!!!!

Here's the misconception, I always think that young singers sound like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KKUJPG7AuY

EDIT--Or like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1L-Ln6cC2I&feature=related